And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
