Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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