Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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