you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I intend to get homeless drunk
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
