Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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