I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
