Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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