The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
