I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
did i walk over a car last night?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
