Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
