just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
