i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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