The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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