FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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