I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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