Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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