Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
