i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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