I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
