Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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