guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
