they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
