My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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