Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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