You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
