she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
