Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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