ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
