I could make wine with my vomit
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
