I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
