Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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