mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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