She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
