this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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