it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
