Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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