the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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