i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So much rum. So many feels.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
