yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
