I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
