K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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