so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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