Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
