On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
