Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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