Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I love how my cats smell like pot.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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