She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
