I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
