The best revenge is premature balding
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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