no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
