Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Randomize
