Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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